It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I don't deserve a penis
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize