Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
