WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
