why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize