mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He better not be in your backpack
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
