Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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