I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
