I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
