i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
