I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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