dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
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