nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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