she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
