I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
