I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
