textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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