Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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