Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
