Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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