we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
