Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
