Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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