You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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