I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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