apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
