I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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