Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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