I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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