and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Well I just put wine in my tea
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize