When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
