sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
