Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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