sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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