If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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