This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
