Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
