Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
