Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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