I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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