My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize