I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
