Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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