you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
