I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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