He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
All the doctor said was why
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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