Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
