My liver just broke up with me...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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