Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize