she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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