I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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