My underwear smells like fireworks.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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