I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
