Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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