That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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