I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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