you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
