He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
