i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
