Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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