awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
you made out with another girl for some wings
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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