I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
