Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
