I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Come share oat with me in your robe
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
