The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize