My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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