So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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