nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
high people should be assigned attendants
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
