I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
