Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
