So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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