the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
