we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
