shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
